#this was my second time being tested for autism by the way.

[bowsersex]

Official Autism Post

[rogueddie]

Disabled Steve / Eddie Fics

Important: READ THE TAGS! Also, leave a comment and kudos! These fics are amazing and I love them and I hope y'all do too 🦻

give me a sign

findmeinthewychelm

It was sweet torture the way Steve was pining over him. Robin was sick of listening to him talk about Eddie, but she also hadn’t stopped him yet.

Words : 4,235 Chapters : 1/1 Rating : General Audiences

AO3 : x

what would you trade the pain for (i'm not sure)

Library_of_Gage

Steve doesn't bother anyone with his chronic pain; it's something he'd rather keep to himself. And then it spikes in the Upside Down, in front of Eddie Munson, and Steve slowly starts to learn that, sometimes, sharing what hurts does help.

Words : 8,230 Chapters : 1/1 Rating : Teen and Up Audiences

AO3 : x

Our Love is Shown in the Letting Go

Xxbottlecapxx

Steve’s mother comes home and has to deal with the fact that she has no idea who her son is, and maybe never will.

Words : 10,189 Chapters : 1/1 Rating : Not Rated

AO3 : x

Who Am I to Say What Any of This Means?

IndigoFudge

Eddie’s eyebrows are raised. He’s speaking deliberately. “My first grade teacher set up a meeting with Wayne and told him she thought I had autism. So Wayne took me to the doctors and it turned out she was right.”

He is still looking at Steve. Oh. Steve’s been staring at him like an idiot for forty seconds instead of acknowledging this important, incredibly personal detail that he has just shared. Steve remembers eye contact––one, two, three––then answers. “That’s cool.”

“Steve,” Eddie says, carefully. “Have you ever been tested? Because I’ve been noticing… When I look at you, I kinda see some signs.”

Words : 7,371 Chapters : 1/1 Rating : Teen and Up Audiences

AO3 : x

she'll know me crazy, soothe me daily (better yet, she wouldn't care)

jewishrat420

Eddie doesn’t really cry about this anymore. He’s long since shed his own personal tears of pity, spent enough time mourning a different life. He’s accepted it, for the most part, doesn’t really give a shit about being normal or whatever. No one’s normal.

But this…Eddie’s not used to this. He’s never had someone hold his face in their hands, look him dead in the eyes and say, “Eddie Munson. For better or for worse, and fuck, I know this is worse, I want to know you.”

Words : 3,988 Chapters : 1/1 Rating : Teen and Up Audiences

AO3 : x

the beginning of a bad joke

alligator_writes

At the beginning of his rant, lecture, whatever, Hottie stares right at him. He has a really intense stare. Pretty brown eyes set in a prettier face with even prettier hair on top of his head. Eddie gets distracted by all that pretty and by trying to make his point.

And he doesn’t notice until halfway through that Hottie isn’t looking at him anymore. He’s looking at his friend.

Eddie looks at her, too. Looks at her confused and focused expression. Looks at her hands moving rapidly.

Oh. G-d.

Hottie’s deaf, isn’t he?

Words : 7,083 Chapters : 1/1 Rating : Teen and Up Audiences

AO3 : x

I Took The Good Times, I’ll Take The Bad Times (I Take You Just The Way You Are)

steddieeddie

In 1984, Eddie Munson told Steve he was going to marry him one day laying in the quiet confines of Steve’s room.

In 1985, they broke up. It wasn’t because they wanted to, but because Steve thought they had to. They spent almost an entire year apart, hurting, wondering about what could have been.

In 1986, Steve Harrington was almost fatally injured in the final attack against The Upside Down, against Vecna. He spent seventy six days comatose, and then almost an entire year in the hospital learning how to be a person again. He learns how to open and close his hands, hold things, and how to feed himself again. Steve learns how to stand, how to walk, going from walker to cane by the time he is allowed to go home.

In 1987, he did just that. He goes home.

It was a slow process. Way slower than Steve wanted it to be, but it was worth it.

Sure, his hands were never going to work the same, there was constant pain in his arms and left leg, and he would never walk without a cane, but at least he’s alive.

He made it.

That was what mattered.

Words : 30,101 Chapters : 1/1 Rating : Mature

AO3 : x

[creature-wizard]

ngl as an abuse survivor the whole “micro trauma” thing makes me roll my eyes back into my head like that’s life babe sometimes we have a negative experience it’s not trauma 💀💀💀 i really feel like so many folks live soft lives that any negative feeling becomes “traumatic” and something to avoid. i don’t think it’s good to conflate times your ego was tested or times that didn’t go exactly your way with genuine trauma. you’re more resilient than that. (obviously this isn’t about day to day trauma living as a bipoc in a racist white society etc but i don’t think you were talking about that either)

Welp, there's a lot to unpack here.

First of all, I'm an abuse survivor with my own share of trauma. I was raised in a form of conservative apocalyptic Christianity where beatings were considered an acceptable form of punishment. Because my parents believed that parental authority was never wrong, and anything a child did or even felt that seemed to challenge that authority (whether intentional or not), I was constantly told that I was wrong for having my own feelings, punished for having my own feelings if I dared to to express them. In addition to this, my family thought I needed to be very aware that the Mark of the Beast was coming and I needed to emotionally prepare myself for beheading once the Antichrist took over and started killing anyone who refused the Mark of the Beast.

In addition to this, I was subject to all of the day-to-day trauma that comes from growing up with ADHD and autism in an ableist society, as well as the trauma that comes from growing up with ADHD and autism in an environment where people think children must be obedient at all times. (My parents believed spanking and slapping was fine, by the way. So, that happened often enough. And when it wasn't spanking or slapping, it was my mother screaming and yelling.)

Now with all of this context established, I'm going to tell you: You don't get to decide who does and doesn't get to have trauma. Trauma doesn't work according to some abstract notion of what should and shouldn't constitute "trauma." People can, in fact, be genuinely traumatized over things that seem totally ridiculous to you.

Also? You don't know what other people are living through. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. You don't know how people are being traumatized by economic circumstances, by bullshit at the workplace, by knowing that Christofascists want to subjugate them or kill them. You don't know how many people are being slowly traumatized by partners who invalidate and mock them in countless tiny ways every day. You don't know how many people are being traumatized by thinking they should be able to meet certain expectations that they don't realize are based in ableist standards or impossible capitalist ideals.

You've also evidently never had a conversation with someone who can't figure out how they're such a mess because they "don't have a reason to be traumatized," but the more you talk to them the more it comes out that they lived a profoundly messed up life, and were profoundly mistreated in a thousand ways that they didn't even recognize as mistreatment at the time. (No, it's not normal for your mother to call you ableist slurs if you can't tend to her every whim in five seconds.)

You also say "obviously this isn’t about day to day trauma living as a bipoc in a racist white society etc but i don’t think you were talking about that either." And you know what? You wanna know what? I absolutely was, because my post was meant to be inclusive of all forms of microtrauma.

Anyway, I hope you can recognize that suffering and trauma aren't a contest, and trying to decide who does and doesn't "deserve" to have trauma based on your own personal abstract ideals and limited comprehension of their lives doesn't help anyone.

[dark-fuckprincess]

Long Post Abt World Eaters

Working on some World Eaters now. This guy is ready for oils and enamels. I did the armour by stippling with an old brush I have cut specifically for stippling. I did a grey primer and then stippled Celestra Grey, Celestra Grey/white, and then white in limited areas. Then I glazed some blue in the shadows to make the white more vibrant and strictly on the cool spectrum (more colour information is usually more interesting). Difficulty with this method is making sure moisture of brush is removed after thinned paint is applied to brush.

This recipe only took maybe 30 or so minutes to do a majority of the work. Usually my airbrush hits the executive dysfunction part of my brain and makes actually completing a miniature difficult. Taking it from airbrush station back to painting station back to airbrush for varnish back to painting station for oils. Well I've been using oils without varnishes and fine so far.

If I were to do a warm white I'd do less steps on the basecoat and really more on Burnt Umber oil wash. I wonder if I can do something similar with Paynes Grey. Could be an experiment.

This is the same mix but done with drybrushing. It's alright. Not sure which I like better. This one looks more like typical drybrushed crap texture so maybe I'll try tapping the actual brush on a damp sponge.

This is what it looks like as a wip, that horrible texture is less apparent. Still gave trim and blue glazing to do.

Both these look better than my older stippled WE imo

The one on the left is stippled. There is a big contrast in the shadows to the light areas. Just a diffe4ent look that I don't prefer. The one on the right is done with the airbrush.

Looking back a lot of those World Eaters I did don't spark too much joy. Maybe it's just the place in my life I was in at the time. Just bad feelings about them. Learned a lot about painting white though. And hey that Cataphractii on the right above is quite good imo and one of the only Cataphractii I've done that looks good. Those models are not fun to paint for me. They give me the ick. Don't like their shapes. Not friendly to my autism.

As a throwback here is my test model for my World Eaters, the first one I did ever as well as the first model where white was the main colour. The second model I did was greatly improved and was a gift for the girl I just started dating at the time and ofc us being still together I credit to my amazing skill in painting.

This of course in an amazing way fits the grimdark styling of 30k and I quite like it overall. I used a burnt umber/lamp black oil wash and learned the lesson of just how much an oil wash can darken a colour of a piece and progressively over many minis learned to push the white highlights higher and higher to fit my preferences. The Chainsaw is orange because of Chainsaw Man.

I think I'll start posting more of my old minis and projects and such. I have many pictures saved up.

I've been in a good groove with my hobby lately. Time away from painting has given me space away from my habits and a new perspective, learning to detach from old ways and learn new ones.

[melodich4n]

When It comes to me as a human I really am a weird case. My humor or my personality overall is as literal as you see here online for my everyday life. There's nothing for me to hide about who or how I express myself but when it comes to interests. By that means.

I'm on the spectrum. I have ADHD and ODD too.

I don't often click with characters. For those I do, I LOVE them. Be it I haven't posted them here out of preference I just really like to stick with One Piece for content making or original characters (can change). Yet when it comes to me being obsessed or clicking with a series. Especially with a character that becomes either a comfort or a special interest of mine. It happened to be Caesar Clown.

In my entire life from all things possible for me to enjoy. Caesar makes me most interested. Be it, I find myself already into topics such as science or medical care that cause me to naturally enjoy a character like Caesar for his role he has as a scientist. Being I can remember the time as young as 8 I wanted to be a virologist and help work in a lab on viruses. I even tried considering to research a cure for cancer. Be it since then the career changed on wanting to be in something art related as I ALWAYS loved art too. My second option and third was to take the job as a therapist or surgeon. Even a mortician as an option as death or the human body is something I've come to find fascinating and I'm not saying this to be a shock content person. I just really am intrigued by concepts like mortality/birth/death. Anything within those segments I'm a huge fan of. Remember being fascinated and still am a fan of COD zombies. The only thing that stopped me considering the medical field in any way was because I didn't want to spend that much money and time to get a job I might end up realizing I just enjoyed it as a hobby to research instead.

Yet the topic of anything relating to science and medical stuff makes me adore characters like Caesar anytime. Yet what specifically lured me more for him than other doctor or scientist characters was his sadistic nature and his *personality* in extension within Punk Hazard and even in WCI. I'm a fan of the topic of sadism, I'm not sadistic myself. I enjoy the fictitious aspect of how far you can push violence though. In themes or just because. As I was for some reason the kind of kid who watched 5+ hours of Happy tree friends and Fluffy pony content or make my 1037727 read of Johnny the Homicidal Maniac after I got home from a math test that pissed me off half crying still and then laughing about it because fictional violence is and will always still be funny to me.

I see fiction as fiction and a way to study things from a view of my own as someone with autism to pick apart on. I don't know why but the fact I just enjoy picking apart characters and themes, stories. Even music. I found myself adore him.

Caesar Clown though, I can see why others don't like him as much. There are many reasons why I can understand. Though for those that dislike him and choose to dislike me also from that, I don't care about those people.

Caesar's genuine intelligence is also something I enjoy looking at. Vegapunk is of course gonna always be smarter and more successful but Caesar has genuine feats of his own. He just goes into a clear route of selfishness that involves a lot of violence and he's not normal in the head. Far from it. Either because he grew into it or was born like it.

Which I enjoy the fan ideas people bring for him. I like people's own ways to take his character for their enjoyment.

I like taking him and either putting him into work that lets me express my mind and ideas for him. Or to put him through pain or anguish that always intrigued me again in the fictional lens.

My love for him likely comes from a sense of self relatability in his vindictiveness and behavior I used to have when younger myself (be it I'm far from it now and did not kill people just can grasp that sense of anger he has) that I also have respect also for his work. I want to see him do his experiments and partaken as a viewer of his work.

Also his own song, his theme? It makes me think of Earthbound and Earthbound is a massive comfort game for me. Specifically the Belch Factory for Caesar with the Belch's theme to his in the 2nd to 3rd stage of his theme. So that's just another random thing to throw. It's out of Character from the music of OP.

His design also feels like something I'd have made when I was younger, and when I feel or connect with a design I will cling and draw them pretty much anytime I think of them.

I think there are so many opportunities with a character like Caesar .

He has also broken Devil Fruit Abilities. I tried genuinely hard to see what his Gas Gas fruit was in terms of Elements on the periodic table. There was no direct one I could match with. I tried. Genuinely. I'm no chemistry nerd but my understanding of how certain elements have ways they react to exposed climates and other elements is what I researched into.

Also the fact he used himself to make experiments. It's fucking metal. Sick shit. I've written that into my own works myself before I got into One Piece as someone who wrote religious sci-fi horror. Where you use your flesh, or your body... Imagine being a part of your stuff? For your gain. To hurt others like some bad guy would do like Caesar.

To contort yourself easily...

It's very cool.

I think that's what I have my thoughts on so far I got for the man. I don't know what else to do or say. I'd love to converse with others here as long as it's civil and respectful about my thoughts or questions, and any form of discussion we can have. Though I do not support those who pick on others just because they "understand or don't understand" Caesar as well as others can or don't. He's fictional. Let's not be crazy.

That is all for me.

- Sally/Melodi

[lavenderek]

Will you ever finish do you know? Or is it done?? No pressure either way! I just love it so much ❤️

odds aren't looking so good. sorry guys lmao

might as well tell you how it ends

i've lost my notes because my old laptop doesn't turn on anymore, but from what little i can remember, there was some kind of argent-adjacent group whose goal was to figure out how to prevent werewolves and other shifting creatures from happening in the first place. so they were doing tests on the ones they captured. essentially, magic eugenics. uh-oh, evil, spooky. these were the guys who tried to break in.

it's obvious sam was afraid of delilah. it was going to eventually become clear that this is because he caught a glimpse of her at his window the night a "ghost" came. but it would later turn out he saw her talking to the person who tried to get in through the window. she had nothing to do with that person. sam was mistaken on account of being a toddler. womp womp (does L on forehead)

delilah was a transparent red herring. she honestly was just a nomad passing through, and saw the attempted break-in while on a jog through the woods. she chased that person off, but in general she had no desire to get involved. she just wanted to prevent local packs from growing hostile to her. but english wasn't her first language. it was all a communication issue a-hyuck! she also didn't enjoy stiles, which was entirely unrelated.

stiles was going to get into Danger solving the mystery, going against derek's wishes. although he'd get away all right, this would damage their relationship. derek was like, you can't go out and do this detective bullshit, it's not just you anymore. he felt stiles was chasing the feeling of excitement from his youth, inconsiderate of the fact that he had children relying on him. and stiles was sincerely offended that derek was taking zero initiative to proactively protect his family. yk.

but they'd get over it and win somehow. i don't remember how. in the background of all this, scott and lydia would fall in love.

i wanted to finally end the series because the idea of a slice of life fic where these OC children were in like, middle school didn't interest me; and i wanted to end it with something interesting to make up for the boring, meandering nature of the fic in general. but three things happened:

first, i got a new job with an hour long commute one way, so i lost a significant amount of free time and energy; second, i entered an artistic block from which i never really recovered; and third, i realized a complete departure from the tone of the fic was actually a dumb idea because it's not remotely what the readers signed up for lmao. how does this realistic depiction of postpartum depression fit in with the joking depiction of a c-section at a vet's office? and besides, people will only read about a couple experiencing and then moving past marital problems so many times anyway.

but i held out hope. i was like, one day i'll be inspired to write again and i'll be able to address these problems, so i shouldn't give away spoilers. then as time passed, i was like, i shouldn't tell them about these lame plans and reveal that my fic only seemed good because the market was flooded.

anyway i figured i might as well finally explain myself. sorry for all this. and from the bottom of my ass, thank you so much for your support and kindness. my time in the fandom was sincerely some of the best years of my life. all of you are wonderful, wonderful.

in case you're curious, as teenagers: zdzisława refused to go by any other name in school, forcing teachers to learn polish phonetics; sam was on the autism spectrum and got into art; vern was prom king; and some chick at their school would manifest magic powers at midnight on her sixteenth birthday. hijinks similar to the movie teen witch happened, involving vern but completely peripheral to any of our other main characters.

[cloudycleric]

hi Ollie! just wanna start by saying I love your channel. your favorite video of mine is the one where you were talking about how you think Will Byers has autism.

you said that you have autism but you were misdiagnosed first and that you thought you couldn't have autism because you had already been told that you don't have it. I was wondering what made you get diagnosed when you'd already been told that you don't have it.

I went to get diagnosed a few months ago but was told that I don't have it. I'm only asking because I genuinely think that I have autism and that it was a misdiagnosis. any advice? also you dont have to answer if its like too personal or something. sorry if its confusing and doesn't make a lot of sense.

also here's a picture of byler kissing to hopefully make your day better! <3

hi hello !!!

thank you for the picture i lobe it!

as for why i decided to retest for autism—

it kinda just… worked out. the more that i thought about it after my first testing came back negative, the more that i realized that i was in fact autistic, & some of the things in document that said i wasn’t autistic were objectively untrue & my mom noticed, too.

that was not fault to the tester, she was lovely, it’s just that a lot of testers only really know how to diagnose traditional autism in amab people. with being afab, or even trans, autism can present itself differently. i know there’s haha jokes about girl & boy autism but, there is some objective truth there. it also doesn’t help testers who have a more deep understanding of the ‘traditional’ autism that people who are afab or trans or whatever have a way better time hiding or masking their autism. i’d say, when deciding to retest, really examine whether or not you feel your are masking.

anywho, back to the story—

my therapist’s office has a child psychologist who specialized in therapy for lgbtq+ youth & occasionally did screenings for things like adhd, autism, among other disorders & neurodivergent stuffs. she was amazing, she was able to work directly with my therapist on parts of the tests & for professional input, as well as used a more friendly test based on experience as a person, not as whether or not you check boxes or act a certain way during certain testing sessions.

the tests it took were the Behavior Rating Inventory of Executive Functioning, Second Edition (BRIEF-2), Self-and Parent-Reports & Monteiro Interview Guidelines for Diagnosing the Autism Spectrum, Second Edition (MIGDAS-2), which the psychologist described as much more “affirming” & “validating”. by the end of the session she told me, “i usually don’t immediately say this to clients, but you are very obviously autistic.”

getting that diagnosis was really good because it made people FINALLY start believing me when i said i was autistic. i’ve also noticed that it’s easier for me to de-mask now because i feel like the people around me now know why i act the way i do.

anywho, that’s my story! like i said, i would just really investigate whether or not you felt like the tester had an inaccurate view of you & if you were masking/how much masking you do on a daily basis.

I HOPE THIS HELPS!!!

[salternateunreality2]

AGSZC ND AU: Overstimulation (not the fun kind)

Disclaimer: not an expert

AU setup: all the boys are neuro-spicy except Angeal, who has depression/anxiety. I HC that GZ are more ADHD-leaning and SC are more Autism (ASD)-leaning

From: the archives of my convos with @strayheartless

---------------------------

The Big Light (can go back to hell from whence it came)

It is EVIL sometimes, and Angeal learns that the hard way from all his boyfriends hating it at random times. He also learns the hard way that dimmer switches are OF THE DEVIL. They make such obnoxious electronic buzzing noises that even Chill-geal gets annoyed and changes it back an hour after installing one.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....(wait a second)...ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

"HOW IS IT A NEW PITCH?!?!?! I CHANGED NOTHING?!?!?!"

---------------------------

People Entering One's Domain

If Cloud's in the barracks and the other troopers/thirds come back from going to drinks, he instantly hates everyone and everything because they are SO MUCH. So he cringes away and tries to preserve his sanity, which his squad mates misinterpret as rejection and being stuck up.

Boy no, it's because you smell of 50 different things, sound like a herd of elephants at a football match, messed up the air currents and temperature, and TURNED ON THE BIG LIGHT.

-------------------------------

Coming Home

At the end of the day, sometimes The Guys (tm) barely make it to Angeal's apartment before angrily grunting and violently shedding itchy/uncomfortable uniform pieces until they're left panting and half-naked in the entryway.

Angeal only made the mistake a few times of trying to start something sexy, narrowly avoiding getting his fingers bitten off.

--------------------------

Mako dials the already heightened senses up to 11.

Cloud trashes a science room before Zack and Angeal are able to subdue him and carry him out, his fingernails slicing into his head as his hands are clamped over his ears, face buried in Angeal's chest to block out the smells and light. He only gets a brief reprieve from sensory hell before they get home and he starts vomiting and getting sick from the mako, since it would bother him with or without ND.

While Cloud's Going Through It (tm), Angeal's getting Stressed (tm) and somehow Zack's ADHD superpower of being great in emergencies kicks in and he keeps the polycule sane, escorting Sephiroth out when the sounds of Cloud being sick get to be too much, helping Genesis channel his angry energy constructively, and being a shoulder for Angeal and Cloud to lean on.

Zack is actually the one that makes Lazard pay for noise-canceling headphones and sunglasses out of the SOLDIER budget. His advocacy is so effective that Lazard ends up making it standard that these things are available on request to anyone in SOLDIER.

Later, Cloud tries to apologize to Sephiroth and Lazard, and Lazard's about to say "This happens sometimes, the labs should have done a sensitivity test before giving you a full dose" when Sephiroth jumps in with, "No that was awesome, do it again next time, even if it's not as bad."

---------------------------------

Vacuum Cleaners (May they burn in the fiery pits of hell, just one circle above Hojo)

Vacuums smell bad, sound bad, look bad, probably taste bad, are unwieldy, and go BONK.

Angeal: *starts pulling out the vacuum*

Zack: WAIT WAIT WAIT YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT!

Angeal: whyever not?

Zack: *grasping Angeal's shoulders* trust me. And put. Down. The machine. Before any of the-

Cloud: HISSSSS

Sephiroth: YOWL!

Genesis: *charging up a firaga as Cloud and Sephiroth scamper into the distance*

*12 hours later*

Lazard: Where are Sephiroth and Genesis?!?!? And that trooper always hanging around?!

Zack: SOMEone touched a vacuum.

Lazard: FFS, Hewley

Angeal: How was i supposed to know?!

Later, in Aerith's church, Aerith comes across Genesis prowling outside, glaring and only barely not hissing, while Sephiroth and Cloud are cuddling in a dark, quiet corner, clutching each other and nuzzling.

Aerith: Oh, honeys...was it the accursed machine? Did Zack do this to you?

Sephiroth, signing: -Angeal-

Aerith: aww, nooooo, and you had trusted him so much!

Cloud: *shivers*

I think Zack wouldn't mind vacuuming if he was in control, and Angeal likes having a clean house, but to the rest of them it's a literal devil. That's why they call it a dirt devil. E V I L.

If Zack's not in control, he feels like following it around and yelling back at it.

[cyndrastic]

ok so y’all seemed to like the first part of the Fairly Odd Parents AU so here’s more characters!!

Tolkien and Jimmy are AJ and Chester!! They’re Clyde’s best (and only) friends at school! As I was making this au I realized how oddly well Tolkien and Jimmy actually match AJ and Chester character wise, so not much has to be changed for them honestly. Meanwhile I needed a character to be Vicky so I figured “hey Clyde has a sister doesn’t he?” so boom there she is.

more in depth character descriptions under the cut for those who want them!

Tolkien is the smart rich kid who tries and generally fails to talk sense into Jimmy and Clyde, and is the only one of the three with any brain cells. Also probably the only neurotypical one of the three. He’s also the only one in school who will point out when stuff randomly changes, usually in benefit of Clyde. Like, he’s the one who always notices when Clyde suddenly has a new super expensive looking bike, or he’s suddenly the most popular guy in school for like 3 days before everything just goes back to how it was for no reason. Tolkien is the only one who notices and is concerned with this.

These changes are obviously Clyde making wishes, and it scares Tweek that Tolkien will eventually figure out that Clyde has fairy god parents. Tweek wants to wipe Tolkien’s memory every time he notices a spell, but Clyde and Craig stop him. Craig thinks it’s hilarious because in all his time being a godparent, no godkid’s friends have ever noticed anything wrong until Tolkien, so he’s automatically Craig’s second favorite human (second to Clyde).

He rewards Tolkien for this by letting him be the only human that can hold or play with him when he’s in his pet form (like how Cosmo and Wanda become goldfish, Craig is a guinea pig) without getting bit when the trio hangs out at Clyde’s house.

Jimmy, for the sake of this au, will not be as dirt poor as Chester is in the actual show cause idk what good that does for this au lol. Otherwise Jimmy is the wisecracking friend who has a good heart and pure intentions most of the time but covers it with crude humor and kinda offensive jokes. Also he sucks at reading a room (me coded) and can never tell when his comedic genius won’t be appreciated (the deleted scene of him making a joke about Clyde killing his mom to Clyde like the day after it happened lives in my head rent free it’s so funny) His hair is also wavy cause I said so and that’s just how I like to draw Jimmy, i do what i want.

Also, just like how Tolkien is Craig’s second favorite human, Jimmy is Tweek’s. Most of the time when Jimmy cracks a joke, even if it’s a supremely unfunny one, Tweek laughs at it. Tweek’s pet form is a parrot, so that means if he’s chilling as an animal he can still talk and laugh. Jimmy thinks it’s hilarious that Clyde’s bird finds him so funny and Jimmy will frequently go to Clyde’s house to write and test out new comedy routines for Tweek because he’s “such a terrific audience.” Craig kinda hates it but won’t object because Tweek genuinely enjoys it.

Clyde and Craig don’t understand how Tweek finds Jimmy genuinely funny all the time, but it’s literally only because Tweek has spent the majority of his life around Craig, who is incredibly blunt, sarcastic to a fault, and so unfunny it hurts. Craig is only ever funny by being overtly honest when he doesn’t need to be (autism moment), and couldn’t make a normal joke if his life depended on it (if i may remind anyone of the Craig clip: “i got a good one: why do girls wear makeup and perfume? because they’re ugly and they stink” this man would not know a joke if it punched him in the face)

Lizzie is Clyde’s older sister. Shes a good bit older than him, Clyde being around 15 years old and her being around 22. She’s a massive bitch and has always been mean to Clyde, but it got worse once their mom died and she blamed it on Clyde (Betsy died the same way in canon as in this au, so it is kinda Clyde’s fault but still, he was 8). Luckily with her being way older than Clyde, she lives at college, but he has to deal with her whenever she goes home and during her school’s breaks. She takes Vicky’s role in this au so even if she isn’t an evil babysitter, she acts similarly to Clyde as Vicky does to Timmy.

She’s one of the reasons Clyde even gets god parents: abusive older sister, dead mom who’s death was because of him, crazy teacher (Garrison is his own level of traumatizing just as he is in the canon of the show but i haven’t decided if i wanted him to be exactly like Crocker yet), and Roger (Clyde’s dad) is ok but he’s kinda neglectful cause he’s mourning his wife and has to work double to support his kids now that Betsy is dead.

[yume-joshi]

going to talk abt obey me and how they are all extremely neurodivergent!!! gonna go through my thoughts on each characters who stands out to me in one way or another.

Lucifer- he has NPD. dont even try to argue with me about this. from the way he holds himself to an extremely high standard to how hes LITERALLY the avatar of pride, hes just a total narc and I love him dearly. I also consider him to be autistic. half bcuz he shows some signs half bcuz I'm autistic and love projecting onto characters. I think that the way he is so strict and finds being on time so important is extremely autistic of him. he follows a very specific routine, and if said routine is messed with, he is unapproachable for atleast the rest of the day. this is shown in likee late lesson 24 or early lesson 25 I forget. he also has issues with emotions. both showing and I think even identifying them. autistic man. ALSO ptsd. duh.

mammon: adhd. he has adhd. he doesnt have npd, HOWEVER, he totally shows symptoms. he acts like hes on top of the world but the second a minor inconvenience happens he is just. reduced to nothing. I also like the hc of him being dyslexic.

levi: AUTISM AUTISM AUTISM!!! yeah that ones obvious like extremely obvious. stg autism runs into the family or smth cuz it feels like mammon and asmo are the only allistics in that mf house. dont need to explain why Levi is autistic. its obvious. if you really need an explanation just ask. but I also think he has severe social anxiety. like to the point that he gets extremely sick at the thought of social interaction. over the years, and with lots of trial and error medication, he can sort of deal with it now. still freaks him out though.

Satan: I think he takes after his father. like. A LOT. he is so npd and so autistic. I think that he really prides himself on his smarts but like. if he were to fail/get an average mark on a test (especially if lucifer got a high mark) he would disintegrate out of pure self hatred. if lucifer is better than him in any academic topic, you can practically feel the envy and rage coming from him. lucifer understands how he feels, and always tries to help him with his npd issues, but that just upsets him tenfold. "you think that *I* need *YOUR* help??? disgusting!". he has such issues I love him so much. not much to comment on his autism. also quite obvious, especially in nightbringer.

Asmo- I KNOW SO MANY PEOPLE THINK ASMO HAS NPD AND LIKE I GET THE IDEA BUT NO. HE HAS HPD AND I WILL FIGHT TOOTH AND NAIL OVER THAT HC.

beel: autism. binge eating disorder. ptsd.

belphie: autism. BPD!!!!! B!! P!!! D!!!!!!!! I will scream it from the roof tops THAT MAN HAD BPD IDC WHAT YOU SAY!! impulsivity (especially when angry), unstable relations (mostly hc), uncontrolled anger, chronic emptiness (hc), self destructiveness, fear of abandonment. you look into the DSM-5 and there is a picture of him there. I think that. he might have PTSD too.

diavolo: autism. I dont care what anyone says I think he is an autistic woman who was just forced into masking. c-ptsd due to mainly emotional neglect.

solomon: autism. no canon reason to support this I'm just projecting. c-ptsd. he has very complicated feeling surrounding loneliness and abandonment due to his childhood.

simeon: autism. C-PTSD!!!!!!! I think that. there wasnt nessacarily anything that could generally be considered traumatizing. but a lot of things in his early days were extremely stressful for him. I think that hes always questioned the word of God just a bit. he made sure nobody ever found out, but he always had doubt within him. this has always eaten at him, as he is supposed to be an angel. Angel's do not doubt the word of their father,, so, why does he?

ermm okay I think that's. enough ranting for today...

[ashwithane]

happy 5th anniversary, fire emblem three houses!

i didn’t have time to do anything super elaborate, but i’m glad i could at least make some simple drawings of how i looked when the game released vs how i look now. i tried to give them a similar vibe to the in-game portraits haha

rant below about my feelings right now because there’s a Lot to say! content warning for mental illness and childhood trauma 🫠🤙

as you can see in the drawings, i’ve come a long way in the past five years. when three houses first released, i was a deeply insecure high schooler who never dared to speak up or express themself. i struggled with self worth issues and had long since begun developing ocd symptoms as a result of the fear i had that there was something wrong with me, something i couldn’t possibly know or change but that everyone would see if i made a single wrong move.

throughout high school, and my adolescence as a whole, i had a hard time connecting with people. but when i played three houses, i connected with the story, the characters, the ability to replay it again and again and always try something new, change characters’ classes and find new paired endings and discover the little details i hadn’t noticed before. i was playing three houses the weekend after covid lockdown was announced, and i remember talking to one of my friends about this cool game i’d just started my second playthrough of. we laughed and talked about the game, figuring that lockdown would only last a few weeks, and then things would be back to normal.

lockdown was difficult for me, as it was for most people. but at the same time, not going to school in person meant i could afford to let my guard down. i could afford to unmask, and discover who i was when i didn’t spend every moment in fear of what others would think. and so when lockdown ended, i started college still timid, but somewhat more familiar with who i was inside.

and then, one day, a thought hit me out of nowhere.

“am i trans???”

and thus began the journey of self-discovery that was my first summer after college. i started using the name ashe, started using any pronouns and later switched to just they/them. i also finally got up the courage to tell my parents i wanted to get tested for autism, and came back with that diagnosis to explain almost everything i hadn’t had the words to understand before.

recently, my mental health has gotten worse. i got diagnosed with anxiety at the same time i got my autism diagnosis, but nobody told me i have ocd as well until earlier this year. things took a nosedive for me over this past school year—i stopped taking risks, barely left my college campus, barely allowed myself to put effort into social connections out of fear that i’d be forcing people to put up with me. but through therapy and medication, i’ve been working through those feelings, and the fears my brain internalized as a result of the way i grew up: feeling like something was wrong with me, but not knowing what. today, i feel pretty good! i’ve been having more and more good days, so i’m overall optimistic about what my future holds.

to bring this back on topic, fire emblem: three houses has gotten me through countless tough times, and has been immensely helpful in figuring out who i am. so in honor of the anniversary, i’d like to give a special thank you to the characters who have been the most important to me over the past five years.

ashe: i’ll start with the obvious. ashe is the character i stole my name from, so of course he will always hold a special place in my heart. in addition to that though, ashe’s earnest personality and commitment to doing the right thing is immensely inspiring to me. he proves that it’s possible to make mistakes and grow from them, that your life isn’t over after one misstep. ashe has taught me to never give up on doing the right thing, and being the best version of myself i can be.

felix: this list would not be complete without the scrunkly of all time! obviously i find felix to be a very compelling character and fun to write, but his significance to me goes beyond being a writing muse. i’ve often thought that i wish i’d had a friend like felix when i was younger, and even now—someone who would drag me into situations i found stressful and encourage me (in his own rude way) to have confidence in myself. someone who would have stood up for me against the people who treated me like i was lesser. felix inspires me to fight for what i want, his shield symbolizing the ability to make your own choices for what and who you defend. he reminds me that there’s no glory in being a martyr, and so i shouldn’t make my well being a second priority. i love you felix and i’m sorry i put you through the horrors regularly (but not sorry enough to stop).

marianne: it’s probably concerning to say i see a lot of myself in marianne. her journey is incredibly inspiring to me, especially now as i see that the past five years have taken me along a similar path to hers. marianne starts out thinking she’s too different from everyone else to deserve a life like theirs, and condemns herself to crushing loneliness all to avoid the possibility of her hurting the people she loves. and yet she learns to live for herself, realizes that her mere existence doesn’t cause any harm, and learns to embrace her right to enjoy life. i hope to have the same strength she does, so that one day i can reach that point as well.

linhardt: no joke, i realized i was neurodivergent because of linhardt. so many of his lines and support conversations made me go “ha, he’s so autistic/adhd coded!” i made these comments repeatedly, but i also kept noticing all the little ways in which i related to him. linhardt was one of many autistic people who made me go “huh, i do that too! what do you mean that’s not normal???” his character also serves as a reminder that it’s okay to take a break once and a while, and that looking after myself doesn’t mean i don’t care about others.

if there’s one thing left to say, it’s thank you. thank you to ashe, felix, marianne, linhardt, mercedes, sylvain, ignatz, hapi, yuri, hell—my oc rowan, all the characters i’ve connected with and loved so deeply over the past five years. thank you fire emblem three houses, not for being the only reason i am where i am today, but being a major part of it nonetheless. and if anyone’s still reading, thank you for making it this far, and happy timeskip! 🎉

[hismercytomyjustice]

Today’s therapy session went a little like this…

Therapist: You have to feel and acknowledge your feelings.

Me: no, 💖

But in all seriousness… Yet again found myself being like “Yay, the OCD spirals have been almost nonexistent lately!”

Only to, in the middle of talking to her about something, realize “…oh shit, my drive for perfectionism is another OCD spiral isn’t it..?”

My Therapist: ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧

GODDAMMIT.

But I also found out last week (when I finally saw a psychiatrist at my therapist and doctor’s behest) that the typical dose for OCD of my current meds is 2-3x higher than what I’ve been on for the past like two years. Apparently that dose was more suited to “generalized anxiety” and not, in fact, for “OCD brain ghosts.”

So that’s getting bumped up. And my Adderall is probably going to get bumped up too. It hasn’t been doing much for me for a while now and I’m on a really low dose for it.

The psychiatrist also said we need to figure out whether or not I have autism because that’s going to greatly impact what she prescribes. Basically she wants to help me rather than medicate my brain into submission lol. Which I def appreciate!

I also met with the autism specialist my therapist recommended (whaaaat having OCD means you’re more likely to have autism???) who kept asking me things and was just giving me very “uh huh” looks the whole time accompanied by “Yes, that’s an autistic trait. That too. And that.”

But like, she’s asking me questions to sort out stuff like special interests and I’m just like what qualifies as a special interest and not a hyperfixation or a normal amount of interest? What is a normal amount of interest?

Same with questions like “are you a picky eater.” Like, what does that mean? By whose standards? What is the scale we’re working with here?

It does not help that a good chunk of my family and friends bare minimum at least have ADHD. Because I’m sitting there comparing myself to them and I’m pretty sure it’s a bit of a “Spiders Georg” situation.

Like…what is a normal amount of research when it comes to things you’re interested in? Because I don’t know everything about Mount Everest. But for like a month or so there, I was trying to learn everything I could about it. Wouldn’t that be a hyperfixation then? But I only eased up because I wasn’t coming across much in the way of new info, so IDK.

Same for like…what is considered a normal amount of liking a particular piece of media? Doesn’t everyone have stuff they enjoy and want to learn more about? And like…there are plenty of people who know more about POTO than I do. Not among my immediate friends and family, but I’ve seen them out on the internet. I know they exist.

What’s an ADHD level of sensory issues vs an autism level? And what’s an OCD level of liking things to be the same way vs an autism level? (╯°□°）╯

She can’t give me a formal diagnosis, as she does more like…autistic life coaching, but she did say she has someone she recommends for full blown testing if I want to get a second opinion, so that’s something I can consider.

It would just be the bee’s knees if my OCD didn’t keep sending me into spirals over this. I have had multiple qualified people tell me I probably have it now, and the ONE person who I got an actual assessment from (who never met me because she was just the assessor’s supervisor) is the only one who’s like “eh, not enough.”

Which just keeps sending me in “it’s not autism, it’s just the perfect combo of OCD and ADHD to make people think you have autism” loops.

God it’s so fucking annoying being in my brain sometimes.

Most times.

All the time.

But hopefully over the next few weeks I can get a solid answer on that front one way or another so I can stop ruminating on it. Whaaat reassurance seeking behavior??? In this economy?!

[archivalofsins]

In the same vein as those last tags. I've been going back and forth with myself on whether to share what was said on these diagnosis forms or not. However, I am just excited about having them and wish to talk about them. Mostly given how difficult it was to get some clarity on this due to life I guess (someone actively abusing their power).

So, I'm going to. Not putting this in the tag because it's somewhat personal but it does discuss Haruka and Mikoto. So there's that.

I already said it but this exam only occurred thanks to my therapist. I was willing to just go whelp getting tested for autism again is actually fiscally impossible within my state at least for me because most practices that do that don't take state insurance. I don't have thousands of dollars to drop on this.

So, my therapist went out of her way to look for places that do testing and taking my insurance. There were none. However, there was one place that would do it for significantly cheaper. That place would be the Michigan School Psychological Clinic for anyone interested in that. However in total that costs five hundred dollars out of pocket. Again much cheaper than other avenues but still a good amount to pay for something but there's a good period of time between doing the intake forms and payment.

Plus it can be split into two payments of two hundred and fifty dollars one given before testing and the other after before receiving the results. This place doesn't test for autism though it's focus is psychological evaluations and ADHD testing. Now for most people in the states the first thing would be okay why is it so cheap what's the catch.

The catch is this diagnostic testing is being done by students it's a part of training program. It's done under the oversight of a Clinical supervisor that does have a doctorate. This is why it's cheaper. It's something that both parties need but no one wants to do for free at the same time.

Which brings e to the first thing I want to highlight,

ASSESSMENT AND STANDARDIZATION

A battery of tests designed to assess multiple domains of cognitive and emotional-behavioral functioning was administered. Testing was administered by a trained clinician under standardized conditions, and under the direct supervision of a licensed psychologist. The results of this assessment are presented in conceptual groupings for easy interpretation and are meant only as a guide for interpretation.

TESTS ADMINISTERED

Conners Adult ADHD Rating Scales, Second Edition (CAARS-2) [self and observer-report] Conners Continuous Performance Test, Third Edition (CPT-3) Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory, Third Edition (MMPI-3) Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale, Fifth Edition (WAIS-V) Beery-Buktenica Developmental Test of Visual-Motor Integration (BeeryTM VMI)

I'm more so adding the thing above to give a general idea of how these things are done. In case people want to create more fan works around the prisoners and diagnoses. Now I can get into the parts that were interesting to me. Either because I found it to be laid in an oh way, or it was just like got damn.

First is a got damn type of thing,

BEHAVIORAL OBSERVATIONS

[REDACTED] was on time and appropriately dressed for her appointment. She presented with a pleasant and friendly disposition throughout the testing process. She was eager to discuss her favorite anime series and showed the test examiner a new book she recently purchased to read during breaks. [REDACTED] exhibited a verbal tic in the form of an involuntary repetitive sound that was uttered infrequently and spontaneously during conversation. She occasionally asked about items placed in the room and inquired about “correct” responses to test items following her responses. [REDACTED] was observed to be wearing her headphones with music playing at the initial start point of test administration and reported that it aids with focus and concentration. [REDACTED] demonstrated excellent stamina during the lengthy test administration and often initiated breaks.

Did I show another psychiatrist Milgram yes. She said Mahiru seemed to have anxious attachment by the way. Also the note on stamina is in regard to how long the test took. It took five to seven consecutive hours. The tester administrator said we could do it over the course of days if necessary but since I was aware of this being a student thing I didn't really want to impede on their schedule too much. So, I opted to finish it in one go.

The verbal tic thing is something I've had since I was a child. I can't really hear it so I didn't know I was doing it in this instance. It existing isn't news to me. My godchild actually makes the noise when she mirrors me saying hi to her. Ha, ha.... echolalia has interesting benefits. My sweet god daughter be like, "Hi, (her name) *that fucking noise I make after a sentence*".

I know, I know it's there I went to speech therapy for it. Since that speech therapy involved being hit with a ruler repeatedly each time I made the noise and that went on twice a week for three weeks. I've been aware of that existing since third grade actually. Sometimes I hear it but normally I do not.

Second point- I shouldn't be proud of this but I am.

Verbal Comprehension

The VCI is a measure of crystallized intelligence learned through verbal means. The VCI also assesses oral expression and receptive language. It measures the ability to access and apply acquired knowledge. The application of this knowledge involves verbal concept formation, reasoning, and expression. [REDACTED] obtained superior VCI scores (VCI= 124, 95th percentile) reflecting a well-developed verbal reasoning system with strong word knowledge, acquisition, effective information retrieval, good ability to reason and solve verbal problems, and effective communication of knowledge. On Similarities, which is a task that taps the abstract reasoning or the ability to identify the conceptual relationships that exist between words, [REDACTED] scored in the High Average range (SIM= 14, 91st percentile) indicating that she can state common features between two words or concepts when asked. On Vocabulary, which is a task that assessed [REDACTED]’s ability to provide word definitions, she performed in the Very High range (VOC= 15, 95th percentile). When answering questions about a broad range of general-knowledge topics, [REDACTED] scored in the Average range (IN= 9, 37th percentile). Furthermore, [REDACTED] performed better with verbal expression of word definitions than the ability to retrieve general factual knowledge from the environment, or past formal instruction.

I enjoy talking a lot that much should be kind of clear.

When the diagnosis goes you suck at drawing. My friends irl, "You graduated from an arts school what the fuck? You were an art major?!"

My ass who has one train of thought always and forever,

Q.05 Do you like drawing?

Mikoto: I like it, but I’m not especially good at it- It was one of the main areas of study at the arts uni I went to so I could just do the bare minimum for that, I guess. Don’t expect all designers are gonna be good at drawing~

I was a graphic design major. During my admissions interview the this conversation happened,

"Are you sure you don't want to be in radio and television? This is a very well edited video." (Needed to bring proof of competency and a piece of art one has made could be fan works brought an amv I'd made.)

"I'm positive I want to go into graphic design if there's no writing department. My concern is am I going to have to draw???"

"Well... If you're sure a bit of a waste though. One sec, here draw a triangle, circle, and square." slides sheet of paper across table.

Does that, "So?"

"That's all the drawing you need to know."

"Really...?"

"Yes. You'll have one drawing related class which since there's overlap between traditional arts and graphic design. But what I need to see is that you have an understanding of shapes and an eye for design. Which you've proven through drawing that and the work provided. So, I'll see you in class."

I literally could do the bare minimum to pass the one mandatory drawing class I had and while I like some aspects of it. Boy does it tire me out. So about that apparently physically writing isn't supposed to be immensely tiring. Who knew-

Visual Spatial

The VSI assesses a person’s ability to evaluate visual details and understand visual-spatial relationships. The ability to construct designs requires visual-spatial reasoning, integration and synthesis of part-whole relations, attentiveness to visual detail, and visual-motor integration. [REDACTED] scored in the Average range (VSI= 93, 32nd percentile) in comparison to her peers suggesting an adequate ability to apply spatial reasoning and analyzing visual details. For Block Design, [REDACTED] was asked to physically piece together a puzzle with a specified time limit to which she performed in the Low Average range (BD= 6, 9th percentile). She may have scored additional points if there were no time constraints. Moreover, when asked to reconstruct a puzzle from a selection of individual pieces, [REDACTED] scored in the Average range (Visual Puzzles= 11, 63rd percentile) indicating that her skills were stronger when a fine-motor component was not involved.

Now onto my beloathed,

The Beery-Buktenica Developmental Test of Visual-Motor Integration (BeeryTM VMI)

The Beery VMI (BEERY-BUKTENCIA DEVELOPMENTAL TEST OF VISUAL-MOTOR INTEGRATION (BEERY-VMI), 6TH Edition, 2010) was administered and measures the extent to which an individual can integrate their visual and motor abilities. It involves a developmental sequence of geometric forms to be copied with paper and pencil. Because children with different backgrounds often have widely varying degrees of experience with alphabets and numbers, geometric forms are used in the VMI rather than latter or numeric forms. The visual motor impairment, such as problems with fine motors skills of the hand and hand-eye coordination.

I fucking hate this test screw the Beery. This shit sucks.

On the VMI, [REDACTED] performed in the very low range, and her standard score of 66 corresponded to the 1st percentile relative to her peers. [REDACTED]’s performance in this area suggests that visual motor coordination is an area of weakness for her.

Did you catch that? When your score is low on a psychological test they refer to the thing you're low in as a Weakness.

MILGRAM / Haruka - Weakness

"If I tried and couldn’t say it, you would get angry at me and say “You’re hopeless.”."

"The VCI is a measure of crystallized intelligence learned through verbal means. The VCI also assesses oral expression and receptive language. It measures the ability to access and apply acquired knowledge. The application of this knowledge involves verbal concept formation, reasoning, and expression."

20/06/05

"If only I could do what anyone else could do."

Haruka: Ah…… ah, u-um, Mikoto-san. The c-communication……? thing, that you were saying was important. I-I thought, I’d give it my best…… Um, so, Mikoto-san, what’s your favourite food……?

Mikoto: Ooh? Nice going, Haru-kun~ Yeah, we still have no idea how long this lifestyle will go on for, so it’s best if we all get along together here. My favourite food…… I like pasta and horse-meat sashimi. Also bubble tea, and recently I’ve been big on custard puddings. What about you?

Haruka: ……ah, I, I wonder…… H-hamburg steak, and omurice, a-and also…… what else? Ah. Cotton candy……

Mikoto: C-cotton candy!? That’s the first time I’ve met someone who has that in their top three favourites!? ……man, Haru-kun, you really are hilarious.

Kazui: Do you think you can teach her?

Mikoto: Well… The only thing I can teach with confidence are tips for debates and discussions.

The VCI also assesses oral expression and receptive language.

Amane: Right now- English? No, I need to learn about math.

Oops got sidetracked. This was actually meant to be about me for once. Well I guess that can sit there what's the harm. Yeah so my coordination is a weakness apparently. So that's how I got diagnosed bad at art or in general physical coordination something needed to draw in any capacity down to even holding a pencil.

Oh that bring us to dysgraphia,

What is dysgraphia? In short, it’s a learning disability that affects fine motor skills like writing, buttoning a shirt, or tying a shoelace — as well as the mental processes associated with writing, like picking a topic, organizing ideas, and making a coherent point. - ADDitude (What Does Dysgraphia Look Like in Adults?)

Tying shoelaces-

Damn I could just end it there but let's keep going.

Dysgraphia is a neurological condition and learning difference in which someone has difficulty with writing for their age level. This can range from issues with the physical act of writing to issues with translating thoughts into written words. Dysgraphia is manageable with interventions that can help you learn new writing strategies.

Is dysgraphia a form of dyslexia?

Dyslexia and dysgraphia are two distinct neurological conditions, though they’re easy to confuse because they share symptoms and often occur together. Dyslexia is a learning difference that makes it harder for people to learn to read. If you have dyslexia, you may read more slowly or have trouble recognizing words. Often, people with dyslexia read at a lower level than expected. People with dyslexia may struggle to break words into sounds or relate letters to sounds when reading. Dysgraphia involves difficulty with the act of writing. Difficulties can range from issues with physically writing words to issues with organizing and expressing thoughts in written form.

Is dysgraphia a form of autism?

Dysgraphia isn’t a form of autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Though dysgraphia commonly occurs in people with autism, you can have dysgraphia without having autism.

Source: Cleveland Clinic

Does dysgraphia occur alone or with other specific learning disabilities?

Children with impaired handwriting may also have attention-deficit disorder (ADHD)–inattentive, hyperactive, or combined inattentive and hyperactive subtypes. Children with this kind of dysgraphia may respond to a combination of explicit handwriting instruction plus stimulant medication, but appropriate diagnosis of ADHD by a qualified professional and monitoring of response to both instruction and medication are needed. Dysgraphia may occur alone or with dyslexia (impaired reading disability) or with oral and written language learning disability (OWL LD, also referred to as selective language impairment, SLI). Dyslexia is a disorder that includes poor word reading, word decoding, oral reading fluency, and spelling. Children with dyslexia may have impaired orthographic and phonological coding, rapid automatic naming and focused, switching, and/or sustained attention. OWL LD (SLI) is impaired language (morphology–word parts that mark meaning and grammar; syntax–structures for ordering words and understanding word functions; finding words in memory, and/or making inferences that go beyond what is stated in text). These disorders affect spoken as well as written language. Children with these language disorders may also exhibit the same writing and reading and related disorders as children with dysgraphia or dyslexia.

Here's some information on it from another source as well,

Understood

Many experts view dysgraphia as challenges with a set of skills known as transcription. These skills — handwriting, typing, and spelling — allow us to produce writing.

Here are ways it can present and signs of dysgraphia from both of the links provides.

Specific ways dysgraphia can present include:

Difficulties writing in a straight line. Difficulties with holding and controlling a writing tool. Writing letters in reverse. Having trouble recalling how letters are formed. Having trouble knowing when to use lower or upper case letters. Struggling to form written sentences with correct grammar and punctuation. Omitting words from sentences. Incorrectly ordering words in sentences. Using verbs and pronouns incorrectly.

Signs of Dysgraphia

One of the main signs of dysgraphia is messy handwriting. Here are some of the key handwriting skills people with dysgraphia may struggle with: Forming letters Writing grammatically correct sentences  Spacing letters correctly  Writing in a straight line Holding and controlling a writing tool  Writing clearly enough to read back later Writing complete words without skipping letters

Dysgraphia Symptoms at Home

Highly illegible handwriting, often to the point that even you can’t read what you wrote Struggles with cutting food, doing puzzles, or manipulating small objects by hand Uses a pen grip that is “strange” or “awkward” Slow to understand the rules of games or follow sequential directions Trouble reading maps Difficulty drawing, tracing, or painting Avoids writing whenever possible; prefers a digital grocery list to a written one, for instance Makes spelling errors in simple notes May also dislike texting

Sorry not to make this about me but- Literally in my discord bio "I like writing but I'm not the best texter since it makes me anxious." Absolutely hate that shit it's so energy draining.

Back on topic since this is just about Mikoto now,

Dysgraphia Symptoms at Work

When using spell-check on a computer, often has difficulty picking out the correct word from a list of similar words. Trouble filling in routine forms by hand, particularly if they require fitting words into set boxes. Illegible handwriting; can’t read own meeting notes or coworkers complain that memos are indecipherable. Mixes lowercase and uppercase letters, or print and cursive letters, seemingly randomly. Often leaves out individual letters or the ends of words, particularly when writing quickly. In some cases, may have trouble with typing as well. Experiences hand cramps or pain when writing. Has trouble telling when words are misspelled. Often uses grammatically incorrect sentences in emails or reports. May be overly reliant on simple sentence structures. Prefers to give or get directions orally, instead of in writing. Has trouble “getting to the point” in written communication; emails may be rambling, or reports may repeat the same ideas several times. Able to explain self clearly when speaking, but not when writing.

Please stop calling me out this isn't about me- "Has trouble “getting to the point” in written communication; emails may be rambling, or reports may repeat the same ideas several times."

Writing in a straight line. - Trouble filling in routine forms by hand, particularly if they require fitting words into set boxes.

Difficulties with holding and controlling a writing tool. - Uses a pen grip that is “strange” or “awkward”

Mikoto from the beginning has failed to use a consistent amount of pressure with his writing utensils when answering his interrogation questions. Making it appear as though his pen is running out of ink in a matter that is inconsistent with what that would generally look like. Considering this issue is present even prior to trial two he seems to have a habit of deviating between apply too much pressure and too little when writing.

Omitting words from sentences.

They're asked the exact same question and Yuno actually writes out an answer in contrast to Mikoto who just gives a list.

Difficulty drawing, tracing, or painting

Q.05   Do you like drawing?

Mikoto: I like it, but I’m not especially good at it.

I can't take much more of this... damn I feel like I'm dragging myself right now. Oh good I think that's everything I think that is sufficient enough. So yeah got fucking dysgraphia that dude probably does too or I'm projecting to spread the suffering. Who says it can't be both wouldn't that sort of overlap be perfection-

Yeah so the second test I received was even more thorough. the third one the government is having me take is probably gonna find more fucking issues at this rate.

[aemondslefteyeball]

It's The Everything For Me

[Modern!Helaena x Fem!Reader]

[Warnings: Sapphic yearning]

(Needed something a little bit lighter before cracking into the next chapter of Sic Transit Gloria Mundi so here's my first one-shot. Let me know if y'all want more Helaena.)

Word Count: 2.9K

Love the way you teach me,

Love the way you listen.

You glanced over to the corner of the room where Jaehaerys sat at the pottery wheel, a concentrated expression pulling at his cherubic face. A smile pulled across your face as your heart warmed at the sight, to the right of him Jaehaera was snuggled up securely in a sensory swing. The clock on the back of the classroom read 4:35 in angry red lettering. Normally you would be irritated at a parent being so late to pick up their children, but this time anticipation tugged at you. The twins had been an absolute dream since you had the pleasure of meeting them back in August. The first-day jitters hit you before every school year, and you had been setting up the last of your science posters when an ethereal voice broke the silence. Botticelli’s Venus stood before you, her silver hair aloft with light and a shy look on her face. From that day onward her soft lilac gaze flashed behind your closed eyes, the smell of her perfume haunting the classroom after she had left. She had come to talk with you about Jaehaera who was diagnosed with autism but left to fend for herself last year after her teacher gave up. The sadness on Helaena’s face broke your heart, the silent admission at how often her daughter had been othered by the people who were supposed to nurture her. You made sure to meet Jaehaera’s every need, and you loved the twins as if they were your own. This was the first time Helaena had been late, though you secretly hoped she would make a habit of it. The twins kept at their respective tasks until the blonde burst into the door, an apologetic look drawn across her angelic face. “I’m so sorry!” She made direct eye contact with you, her cheeks flushed and breath heavy, clearly having run from the lot. 

“Oh, it’s no worry.” You smiled at her before looking back down at the stack of spelling assignments you were grading. “They’re always a dream, they’re so well-behaved I barely noticed they were here.” You teased, though it was half true. There was an ease about them that you found soothing. 

“Either way, we should get out of your hair.” Helaena’s hands tugged at the sleeves of her powder blue cardigan. Please don’t go. She walked towards Jaehaerys and unsuccessfully attempted to pry him from the wheel. 

“Please Mom, I'm almost done!” Your throat dried as you tried to think of any reason to spend just a second more with her. 

Suddenly, your salvation dawned on you. You stood from your desk far too quickly, and Helaena looked back at you in shock as your chair rattled against the floor. “Well we have the tomb, maybe your Mom would like to see that?” You looked from the twins to their mother, holding your breath for a second. 

Helaena looked back at the boy on the pottery wheel, his glasses crooked on a chubby little face smeared with clay. The most beautiful smile you’ve ever seen pulled across her soft pink lips, and she nodded at you. “I’ve heard about this…” She brought a finger up to her lips, face twisted in concentration. “A Valyrian tomb, right?” You looked back at Jaehaerys and winked at him before looking back to the blonde and gesturing for her to follow you. 

“Yeah, we asked the janitors if it would be okay to clear out the closet while we have our unit on Valyrian history.” You gestured to a wall of Valyrian burial veils in the hallway, pointing out the two the twins had made. “Every student contributes two things, and the day after our test we’re going to have a Valyria party and explore the tomb.” Waving your fingers and adding a spooky lilt to your voice, your heart raced as the giggle broke out from the woman next to you. You smiled before looking down at the waxed tiles. When you two finally arrived at the tomb, you opened it and led her in, leaving the door propped open behind you. Maroon and gold tapestries soaked up the light, and different art pieces and knickknacks placed around the makeshift tomb cast an ethereal glow to the janitor's closet. 

“Wow.” Your palms began to sweat. Good wow or bad wow???? You smiled anxiously at her as her gaze panned back over the shelves you lined with miniature towers. “This is amazing.” Your heart pounded against your ribcage as you beamed at her, shifting your gaze to the art as if proud. 

“It’s the kids that do all of it.” Your hand came up to awkwardly rest at the nape of your neck, praying you didn’t look like an idiot in front of her. Thankfully and heart-wrenchingly, she didn’t seem to notice you at all as she glanced back over at the artwork. Helaena doesn’t say anything else, and you guide her back to the classroom where Jaehaerys had finished his vase and put it on the cart destined for the kiln. You sent the twins off with a hug, and Jaehaera squeezed you for an extra second. Helaena locked eyes with you for a second, and something unidentifiable stirred in her lavender irises. When you let go of Jaehaera her mother looked as if she was thinking about something for a second before she gave you an awkward wave and left the classroom. 

The snow had been piling up high around the classroom, and you found yourself grateful that Christmas break was starting. Cinnamon pine cones had been stacked on your desk and a wax burner filled the air with the scent of gingerbread. You were ladling out a cup of hot cocoa for yourself when her voice broke the silence. “I come bearing gifts.” The blonde held up a green gift bag, and ecstasy poured through your veins. 

“Well, I can get you a cup of hot cocoa and some cookies and we can call that a fair trade.” You suddenly thanked God that Baela brought you a glass of spiked eggnog after the students left. Helaena nodded, and you pulled out the prettiest mug you had available and filled it with painstaking care. Once it was suitably full, you added some whipped cream and peppermint crumbles. Grabbing her the few gingerbread men that were still intact, you brought the bounty to your desk, where she had pulled up a chair. The two of you spent the next hour talking about everything and nothing and were only disturbed by the darkness that fell dimly over the classroom. 

“Well,” Helaena said, looking at the unopened bag before you. She nodded to it, and you reached for it. Pulling out the crimson tissue paper, you gasped as you lifted the black bust out of the bag. It looked like it was an authentic Valyrian piece, the stone having clearly been tempered by flame. 

Your eyes widened in shock as you looked back up at her. Holy fuck she’s trying to kill me. Your mouth moved aimlessly before the words could come to you, and you cursed yourself once again for looking like a moron in front of this absolute goddess. “I can’t accept this.” You said finally, moving to hand it back to her. “This is so kind, really, but th-” Your train of thought derailed when Helaena’s soft hand was placed on yours. 

“Merry Christmas.” She squeezed your hand lightly before finishing the last bite of her cookie and grabbing her purse. When you got home you put the bust on the mantle of your gas fireplace and grinned stupidly at it for far too long. 

In the spring your unit on bugs had started. To give the children a hands-on experience you got a Praying Mantis as a class pet, and every child had been given a caterpillar that would grow into their own butterfly. You were tending to the habitats when her footsteps stopped beside you. The blonde sat and watched you for a few moments, and you tried to will the blood from rushing to your cheeks. “So pretty.” Your head snapped over towards her when she broke the silence, and you looked back at the enclosure, laughing awkwardly. 

“Yeah, they are.” The blonde took another step closer, and you prayed she wouldn’t be able to hear your heart pounding through your ribcage. Helaena reached into the habitat, ever so gently tilting a chrysalis so that she could look at it, letting out a small tut. 

The blonde turned to look at you, her face tantalizingly too close. “What kind of plants do you have?” You smiled at her, fidgeting with your hands as you shifted your gaze to the cocoon. 

“Milkweed, borage.” When the blonde nodded approvingly and turned her gaze back to the habitat you let out a breath you didn’t realize you’d been holding. 

“Really, really beautiful.” She said one more time, your gaze still fixed on the array of chrysalises within the fabric cage. You had never really taken a hard glance at them, but you could start to see what she meant. When you turned to look back at Helaena, she quickly looked away. 

Over spring break you tried to enjoy the brief respite. The days were warmer now, and you ached to leave your house. Pulling on a sundress and grabbing your purse, you headed out to the Lyseni Market. The aroma of roasting cherries greeted you as you walked away from your favorite stall. Carrie had put out a whole new line of bath bombs that smelled as sweet as the spring breeze, and you made sure to pick a few up for yourself. You were underneath the blossoming cherry trees when she spotted you, holding a wicker basket full of produce. “Ms. L/N!” She exclaimed, a happy smile on her face as she held her basket. “May I?” She asked as she gestured to the open spot on the stone wall next to you. Helaena sat after you eagerly nodded, moving your purse to your other shoulder so she could sit closer to you. 

“We’re not at school right now.” You shot her a small smile as you bit into your crepe, savoring the taste of strawberries and Nutella. “You can call me Y/N.” Helaena smiled at you and leaned back slightly. 

“Where did you get that?” She asked, glancing back towards the crepe in your hand. “I’m famished.” 

You looked back down at the crepe, an apologetic expression drawing across your face. “Suze made them, but she closed up her stall a few minutes ago.” When the blonde’s smile dropped, your skin crawled. “Wanna split this?” You glanced back towards her, holding the crepe out. “I’m not that hungry.” You lied. 

The small wave of guilt abated in you when her face lit up and she took the crepe from you, taking a bite of it before moaning.  “I need to come out here more often, this is amazing.” 

“You should try her pumpkin cheesecake crepes in the fall.” Your tone was almost warning, and Helaena nodded. 

“Nope. That’s dangerous.” Chuckles broke out as you leaned into her and batted at her arm playfully. 

“You have twins, you can definitely handle a crepe.” You teased. 

“Speaking of them.” Helaena groaned, rubbing at her temples tiredly. “I could really use a cup of coffee. Any vendors here good?” 

You shook your head with a frown, “No dice. But…” Your heart fluttered when she snapped to meet your gaze. “There’s a really good coffee shop a few blocks away.” 

A grin pulled across the blonde’s face as she stood, offering a hand out to you. “Alright, I’m paying then.” She winked at you. “Since you got the crepe.” She held the wrapper up before tossing it in the nearest recycling bin. The walk to the cafe was filled with perhaps the easiest conversation you ever had. Helaena remembered things about you that you had never even told her, apparently having gleaned from the twins. Your knuckles brushed against each other as the two of you walked, and you both looked away. A cherry-red blush burned across your reflection’s face, but you swore for a fraction of a second you saw a similar one painting Helaena’s features. Telling yourself you were just reading into this, you held the door open for her and walked in. After the two of you ordered you settled into a little nook away from the view of the street. The black forest latte you ordered was as perfect as the cafe always made it, and you watched Helaena’s eyes widen after she tasted it. A few more hours of eager conversation passed, and as the rays started to wane into late afternoon, you glanced back toward the blonde. She looked uncomfortable for a few moments. “We should probably get outta here.” She admitted, one hand coming to play with a lock of silver hair. “But I know this uh…” She gestured idly, her face thoughtful. “Place,” Helaena said finally, her lilac gaze locking onto yours. “You interested?” 

You have no fucking clue. “It sounds great.” Helaena left a tip on the table and the two of you got up, to yet another destination. It was a bit longer of a walk, but the late afternoon sun cast a comfortable warmth onto your exposed skin. When your knuckles brushed against Helaena’s again, you let them linger for a moment. A large park stood before the two of you, but it didn’t seem designed for children. Large abstract sculptures were carved into the ground, with steps too high to be a playground. You looked at her in wonder for a moment before stepping onto a roundabout. “Can you push me?” You asked, and you held a careful hand down as the skirt of your dress waved in the breeze. You kept your eyes locked on her silver hair for as long as you could, but eventually stumbled off the roundabout giggling. Helaena reached to steady you, and your hand rested on her shoulder. The two of you looked at each other for a few seconds longer, and your heartbeat raced. When your lips locked you brought your other hand to rest gently against her face. She tasted like cafe mocha, and her lips were as soft as an angel’s. Electricity crackled wherever your exposed skin met. She tilted her head, and the two of you deepened the kiss, only drawn out of it by the sound of somebody settling onto the swings near you two. I hope that motherfucker gets audited by the IRS. 

“Shit.” Helaena cursed as she pulled away, your heart dropping as she did so. She licked her lips before turning her gaze to the ground. “I should probably get going…” She trailed off. “The twins.” You nodded and smiled politely. Your heart felt empty the entire walk back to your apartment, and you cried into your cat’s belly that night. 

After April 6th Helaena was formulaic. Methodical. She would drop the twins off with a wave before shooting you a terse smile and walking away. She waited in her car for the twins when school was over. Each day you mused might be the one the earth swallowed you whole, and time passed achingly slower. When the end of the school year came you felt some relief. If nothing else, the twins wouldn’t be in your class next year and the space would help you finally get over your stupid little crush. You were standing on a chair peeling sticky tack off the wall when she walked in. “Bae?” You called out. “I’ll catch up with you guys when I’m done.” You focused on your task, and Helaena let the silence hang for a second longer before you turned to face her. You turned back to peel another wad of blue tack off the wall, poker face engaged. “It’s great to see you.” You said politely. 

“I uhm…” Helaena held a wrapper up towards you. “I got you a crepe.” She offered meekly. You stared ahead at the wall, reminding yourself that you wouldn’t see her again after this. Desperately as you tried, you just couldn’t convince yourself it was for the better. 

“That’s very nice. Thank you.” Gathering the last wad, you took a step down from the chair before she had the chance to offer her hand. Helaena outstretched her hand and you took the crepe. The worst side of you told you to ice her out, turn away, and refuse to look to see if it affected her as much as it did you. But you just couldn’t bring yourself to do it. 

“I wanted to ask you something.” You turned to look at Helaena, taking a bite of the crepe and looking at her as if to continue. “Now that you're not my kids’ teacher anymore…” She trailed off, and you bitterly swallowed the crepe. Here it is. She was going to ask why you kissed her, and you couldn’t think of any proper excuse.  “Would you want to go out sometime?” 

Your eyebrows knit together at the question, and you froze on the spot. The crepe started to shake in your hand as your heart pounded. You pulled your lips over your teeth before nodding enthusiastically. “I hear there’s a butterfly garden on the other side of town.” Helaena smiled, looking down and blushing before she held a hand out. You took her hand, and the two of you walked out of the classroom into the warm summer day.

[shinji-brown]

An Analysis of Imperial Japanese Navy Names as Used in Neon Genesis Evangelion

by @the-many-children-of-the-void

I have autism. I have a special interest in naval history, specifically the period between the launch of HMS Dreadnought in 1906 and the end of the Second World War. I know a lot of stuff, like the orders of battle for a bunch of actions in the Pacific. My favorite navy during this time period is that of Imperial Japan (mostly cause their ship names are the most fun). This basically makes me a member of the prime target demographic for understanding that particular bit of nuance.

As a side note: I'm going to try to refrain from using too much naval terminology in this essay but it's something I'm very close to and it's entirely possible that I end up like that one xkcd.

We're going to start with the Japanese aircraft carriers Akagi and Katsuragi and how their positions in the progression of Japanese carrier development lend themselves to their namesakes. Then we're going to discuss the Fubuki-class destroyer Ayanami and we're going to finish with a comparison of Soryu and Shikinami. I will not be discussing minor characters with ship names because, for the purposes of this discussion, they aren't relevant. Maya and Ibuki are both cruisers, for example, but there isn't really any special significance to those choices that I'm able to detect.

So what in the service histories of these ships leads me to suggest that their names have more specific significance than simply being names that go with their character's first names? That's the million dollar question and, by the time I'm done, I hope you'll at least understand where I'm coming from. So, buckle your seatbelts everyone and get ready for my hyperfixation fueled naval history infodump extravaganza.

We start with Akagi. She was built as the first full-size aircraft carrier in Japan, but she wasn't designed that. Prior to an international agreement to limit the size and number of ships in a number of navies, she was under construction as a battlecruiser (you don't have to know what that means), the second of the Amagi-class (a class is a set of ships that are all designed the same way). After that agreement was signed, though, Japan elected to convert her to an aircraft carrier instead of scrapping her hull. She served as a test bed for various aircraft carrier technologies during the 1930s and was modernized later in the decade. She served in the Kido Butai, Japan's strike force that attacked Pearl Harbor with another ship we'll see in a bit and was sunk at the Battle of Midway in 1942. For this comparison though, we need to meet another ship too.

Katsuragi was Akagi's opposite in a number of ways. She was designed as an aircraft carrier. She was completed in October of 1944. She was the second to last big aircraft carrier built by the Imperial Japanese Navy during the war. She was started to help replace the carriers lost at Midway. She never left port although, if she had, it would almost certainly have been to ferry kamikaze aircraft. Sound familiar?

Misato's role is the same. Bringing the sacrifice to the altar, in the same way an aircraft carrier bringing kamikaze aircraft does. It's reductive, though, to reduce Misato Katsuragi to just her relationship to Shinji, so let's look at her relationship to the character named for the other ship we've talked about: Ritsuko Akagi and, more specifically, how Akagi and Katsuragi apply to their characterizations and their relationship.

Katsuragi was young and fiery. She never saw action but her crew would have been young, mostly former students. She was indicative of an "ends justify the means" mindset in the latter half of the war. In contrast, Akagi was more cautious and experienced, a comparison reflected in any comparison of their namesake characters.

So the operational histories of Akagi and Katsuragi are reflected in their characters, but those are just two. Next, let's take a look at Ayanami, the lead ship of her subclass of Fubuki-class destroyers and why the choice of a destroyer from the middle of a class is relevant to Rei.

As we've established, a class of ships is a group of them that are all built to the same design. Japan built 24 Fubuki-class destroyers. By having so many, destroyers can be easily replaced with other ones. Not many destroyers attain fame equal to that of a bigger ship, such as a battleship or an aircraft carrier and they're not supposed to. They escort merchant ships, hunt submarines and serve as the screen for the bigger ships. Any fleet will have between a few and a bunch of destroyers. They're easy to replace. If one is sunk, another one can take its place.

This is the piss on the poor website, but I hope the point I'm building to is already obvious. For those to whom it isn't, let me make it clearer: Japan built 24 Fubuki-class destroyers. Destroyers are small ships and are easy to replace. Ayanami was the eleventh of those ships. Not the first Fubuki and not the last. The use of a destroyer name reflects that implication.

There's one more advantage to the choice to use Ayanami instead of another Fubuki-class ship that's going to become more relevant in the final part of this essay but I think it's important to mention before that point: Ayanami was the 11th, and the first of her subclass. The first child.

Now we're going to talk about how the meaning of Asuka's name changes depending on Soryu and Shikinami. It's all based on the orders of their construction in relation to the ships around them. We're going to start with Soryu.

Soryu was the third fleet aircraft carrier built in Japan, after Akagi and Kaga. She was the first purpose built fleet aircraft carrier after two prototypes. As Asuka says in Episode 8: Asuka Arrives in Japan:

After all, Units 00 and 01 were created as part of a development process, prototype and test type. The fact that it synchronized with an untrained pilot like you is proof of that. But Unit 02 is different. Created for actual combat conditions, this is the world's first true Evangelion.

Hmm. That sounds like how someone would describe Soryu, in relation to Akagi and Kaga, doesn't it? Soryu represents, in an obscure way, that Asuka is the pilot of Unit 02. But what about Shikinami? It's not an aircraft carrier. In fact, it's a destroyer, like Ayanami. It's a destroyer exactly like Ayanami. Ayanami is the 11th Fubuki-class destroyer and the first of the Ayanami subclass. Shikinami is the 12th Fubuki-class destroyer and the second of the Ayanami subclass. If Ayanami is the first child and the first of the Ayanami subclass, then Shikinami is the second child and the second of the Ayanami subclass.

So, Akagi and Katsuragi are indicative of their characters, based on their histories. Ayanami was a destroyer, something easily replaceable. Soryu and Shikinami are representative of Asuka's position, although the former is more subtle than the latter.

But Allie, I hear you say, how can you assign meaning to this? You've been in this fandom for four total days and you spent the first two of those watching it. How do you ascribe any intention here? The truth is, I can't. I can't say for certain any of this was intentional. The only reason I can think of to suggest it could have been was that it happens a lot. Hyuga doubling as a pilot, for example. Can I claim to know exactly what was going on in Anno's mind in the decade before I was born? Clearly not. Is it interesting and thought provoking to think about? Absolutely.

Thank you for taking the time to read this crap.

[disabled-and-tired]

I have trouble keeping a physical journal, I always misplace it after only a few entries so here is my blog/journal. I’ll be posting my thoughts/frustrations/general life stuff. If this interests you or you relate you are more than welcome to stay and join me in this little journaling journey.

I guess I should introduce myself and give some important backstory as to why I’m making this blog. For reasons I will not be sharing my real name to strangers on the internet so you can call me Finch. Before I go into more detail I want to make it known that this page is not for me to gain any pity. That being said I am disabled (if I didn’t make that obvious) i was born with short Achilles tendons, had surgery for that when I was in the 4th grade, this surgery made it so i no longer strained my ankles walking on my toes, however the goal was to have my ankles at a 95° angle or more and my left only reached 93° while my right had to be recasted from 89° to 90°. Physical therapy was supposed to help the angles increase, unfortunately that didn’t happen. This has caused my knees, hips, and spine to be out of alignment. My right ankle has lost all cushioning between my bones, this is due to how I walked pre-surgery and caused over pronation in that foot. This has caused me to have chronic pain and mobility issues from a young age.

I would like to say that is my only issue, when I was very young we discovered I have POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) this would cause my resting heart rate to be in the 90s and constant heart palpitations. My mom, grandmother and sister all also have POTS. This condition also caused me to have fainting spells. Since my diagnosis I have worked with my doctors to find a way to manage the symptoms. When I was learning to read and wright it was discovered that I am dyslexic, this caused frustration as a child and to this day. I have been through some traumatic events which I may or may not discuss on this blog that caused me to develop C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) and during these traumatic times I was diagnosed with OCD which again my mom, grandmother and sister have. My sister had it worse than me especially with her having autism on top of it, however as a child I had no understanding of autism and had my own frustrations with her behaviors and how her disorder dominated the house and what we did as a family. I understand now why things were the way the were but little me couldn’t comprehend as much as I can now.

As I went into middle school I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I was put on many meds for depression none worked. I would learn later with my new and current primary care provider that I have bipolar depression and not regular depression which explains why those meds just wouldn’t ever work and had odd side effects. In 5th grade when puberty hit I developed horrible allergies. Tropical fruits, certain nuts and the air were all causing me issues. Sesame was discovered to cause anaphylactic reactions weather I eat it or it’s cooked and in the air. A couple summers later I was having anaphylactic reactions to the pollen in the air, this prompted my mom to take me to the allergist and find out that I’m allergic to all plants where I live except cedar. I was promptly started on a 5 year allergy shot regiment.

During my allergy testing I was having severe gastrointestinal issues, acid reflux, esophageal spasms, and just feeling like crap after eating. I had an upper endoscopy done where I was biopsied and they informed me they fixed two things I didn’t know were issues. They found a hiatal hernia and a Schatzki ring. They fixed both and said they may happen again and since then I’ve had a second endoscopy very recently where I had both again and were fixed. The biopsy came back and my gastroenterologist had me make an appointment sooner than the one I had already made. I was informed that I had a disorder called EoE (eosinophilic esophagitis) the threshold to be diagnosed was >15 (eosinophils in one place on a slide view from pathology) I had >87. This explained a lot. I was told I had mild allergies to things I had been consuming frequently without knowing causing the condition to worsen. The allergies were found to be carrot and soy. I learned carrot is in a lot more things than you expect. After going off of anything with even trace amounts I was naive and thought I could have a blood orange soda with just bit of carrot added for flavor. Turns out I can’t and that made me feel very sick and itchy. Also turns out you can have hives on your inner eyelids, ears, nostrils, and stomach all of which I get when consuming carrot. Also I can’t have pear or bananas so that’s a bit of a bummer.

Going back to puberty times I of course started my period. I was told cramps were normal so of course I assumed I wasn’t to complain about cramps since everyone got them. As I got older the cramping got worse and worse. Trying ibuprofen and Tylenol but eventually those didn’t touch the pain anymore. It got to a state of cramping when I wasn’t even on my period, however when I was on my period it was so bad I couldn’t move, pain was radiating down my legs, throughout strange areas in my abdomen, and up my back. There was no relief I was missing school and one day ended up at the ER, convinced my appendix was about to burst. They did many tests and to my surprise they found nothing. Not even in the ultrasounds. My doctor put me on a 24/7 birth control to keep periods from happening. I then went to a gynecologist who diagnosed me with endometriosis.

My ankles grew strange and have something called haglunds deformity. In 11th grade I had this corrected just on my right ankle. This surgery was intense, they had to disconnect my tendon, chop bone off, and then the tendon is tacked back down with two screws, two nails and a surgical thread forming an X between the hardware. This was a very intense surgery that didn’t fully fix the problem. We decided against having this done on the other ankle. My surgeon offered to have my ankle bones fused in my right ankle saying it would keep the bones from grinding. I declined because there was no guarantee this would stop my pain and I would no longer be able to move my ankle.

As of now I have been diagnosed with atopic dermatitis and am in the long (often 10 year) process of being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. For now my doctor has given a placeholder diagnosis of fibromyalgia while we wait for my symptoms to progress enough to have full positive symptoms. This is frustrating as I am on the cusp of testing positive for lupus. My grandma has autoimmune symptoms as well although she doesn’t like doctors so we will never know what exactly is wrong with her.

Because of my mobility impairments I was told at a young age I would need walking aids as I got older and possibly a wheelchair if things progressed. When I was told this I was too young to fully understand I was just told my body was going to continue to get worse. I now use a cane and hope things won’t progress.

In my next post I’ll will probably discuss my interests and what I do for fun so something more light hearted, later I will also talk about my frustrations with what the internet has caused in terms of a epidemic of mockery. Munchausens by internet is something that I have heavily researched and feel passionate about. A former close friend of mine started faking disorders that cannot happen late in life and making it painfully obvious that she only pretends to be disabled when it can’t inconvenience her. We no longer talk. But more on that later, if you read this all thank you, if you related to this in anyway welcome you are not alone.